OPEN OR DEFENSIVE?
Open or defensive?
Can you tell whether you're being open or defensive when you say something?
Can you tell whether another person is being open or defensive when that other person says something to you?
And if you could tell why would it matter?
Defensive parries. Open invites.
Defensive puts a cap on. Open doesn't know where things are going....and that's okay.
Defensive and open imply stances.
Defensive: You didn't understand what I said. I'm not that kind of person. There was a reason I did what I did. Let's get on with this and not get bogged down. There's an outcome I want to get to and would like to steer things toward.
Open: I won't give a pre-set answer. I'll ask myself "how do I feel about it ?" freshly...right now. I'm not on automatic pilot. I'll let the answer come from further down inside myself.
Open is welcoming. We have time. I'm not in a hurry.
Defensive: I have an image of myself to maintain. This is the kind of person I am. I'm not THAT kind of person.
Open: I honestly don't know what kind of person I am. I am a lot of different people. I can open myself to seeing myself in a different light...even if it's not the most flattering light.
Don't get the impression that open is good and defensive is bad. Each has its virtues. Each has its liabilities. Each has its strengths; each has its weaknesses. Each has its place.
If you know more about how defenses work you can have a better chance of using them well.
If you know what supports openness and what discourages openness you have a better chance of your openness leading to good things.
A defensive response does not necessarily mean that a person is THAT kind of person or is someone who is riddled with the quality of defensiveness.
We can distinguish between responses or reactions that are open or that are defensive without always implying that they are characteristic of the people who make them.
Is this open or defensive?
"Tell me about it!" Ninety five times out of one hundred this is defensive the way it's said. You tell a co-worker "Mr. Jones is such a harsh critical boss" and he says "Tell me about it!" Do you feel invited to elaborate or to say more? Not really.
"Been there, done that." You share an experience with a friend and his response is "Been there. Done that." Is that response open or is defensive? Much more likely defensive. The response implies : I've had the same experience as you so you don't need to go on about it. I've got all that data. No new data needed. But.....how does the person know that HIS "there" is MY "there or HIS "that" is MY "that"??!!
Open and defensive can refer to the self and to the other. I can be open to what the other says and allow what the other person says to be received, to affect me, to move me. Or I can be open to the full ground of possibilities within myself....messages from myself, different potentialities, different committee members.
Open is more inviting...I haven't heard this be before, I haven't been here before...I don't know where this is going to go.....I don't know how long this is going to take.
Versus...I've been here before...I know what this is....let's get on with it. I don't have time to let go of my preconceptions....I have a path and I'm holding onto it.
It is not highly recommended that you deputize yourself as defensiveness-sheriff and proceed to catch other people in their defensive responses and tell them they’re being defensive. Telling someone that he or she is being defensive is likely to strengthen the defensiveness.
It is highly recommended that your study of “defensive versus open” begin with and specialize in the study of your own responses. After you have an interchange with another person take stock of what you just experienced. Did you offer explanations? Excuses? Were you invested in making a point? Were you more invested in making the point than checking on the quality of connection between you and the other person? Were you curious?
You can learn a lot by observing the responses of others in conversations with you. Do you feel like the other person allows himself time to take in what you’ve said, let it be absorbed before responding, or does the response come immediately? One of my teachers offered a guideline: if the response is immediate whatever was said couldn’t have gotten in too far.
When you hear “Yes, xxxxxxxxxxx, but yyyyyyyyyyyy “ notice if you pay more attention to the “yes, xxxxxxxx”