WHAT I'VE BEEN LEARNING ABOUT YIN AND YANG
PHILIP B. ROSENTHAL
Understanding more about Yin and Yang has been one of the most valuable gifts that I have received in studying tantra with Margot Anand.
Margot created a practice and wrote about it in her book The Art of Sexual Ecstasy called the Yin Yang game. When a couple does the Yin Yang game they take turns being Yin and being Yang. When one partner is Yin the other is Yang and vice versa.
Yang is the master. The king or the queen. Yang states desires. "I want my back rubbed. I want grapes to be fed to me. Dance for me." Yang says whether it's right or not. "Not as hard. Harder. Faster. Slower." Yang knows when it's done. "I want more. That's enough."
Yin is the servant. Yin's job is to fulfill the wishes of Yang. Yin says "I am honored to serve you, Yang." Yin puts aside his or her own agenda and finds satisfaction in fulfilling Yang's agenda. Yin watches Yang and listens carefully to Yang. Yin asks, "Is this what you wanted? Is this it?"
Margot describes the practice clearly and persuasively in her book, and I and my partner have had the chance to do the practice in her training program under her guidance. The learning that came out of the Yin Yang practice has been surprising.
I had thought that Yang would be the good turn and that I'd go through Yin waiting for my next Yang turn. That's not how it turned out.
I found out there was much learning to be gained in BOTH of the roles.
I found out that the role of Yang had more vulnerabilities than I'd thought. Almighty Yang....gets to ask for whatever he wants....."how great is that!!!" was my anticipation. Not so simple in actual experience.
If you get to ask for what you want then you need to KNOW what you want. Wants are many and change constantly. What we're talking about here is knowing what you want on a current basis.....what I want now....it's not so good to bring a want that isn't current or energized.
I might have cooked up some fantasies of what I want in the hothouse of my imagination....when I didn't have the opportunity or challenge of actually trying to make that fantasy real....or enlisting my partners help in making it real.
Bringing fantasies to my partner, uttering these desires through my throat, my vocal cords, my lips is a different matter. And then having to see, hear and face the reactions of my partner to my requests.....And then having to guide my partner.....to tell her whether the touch was too soft or too hard....can I share with her my NOT being reached? ..... Or it may be just as hard to share with her how deeply I AM reached.
And what if I get to be Yang again and again? Will I be able to keep coming up with desires, scenarios, requests? Will I be a well that keeps flowing or a well that starts to run dry?
Hmmm, there's more to this job of being Yang than I'd thought.
My surprise at the subtleties of the Yang job was great, but probably not as great as my surprise at the subtleties of the Yin job.
Being Yin the servant turned out to be a more demanding, more fulfilling, more powerful, more rewarding role than I'd anticipated.
I felt a liberation in the Yin role from my own ego, from my own agenda, what I was trying to get, where I was trying to get to. A vacation from some of the strivings, from being in command.
I felt a tremendous sense of power and responsibility as Yin. I was reminded of the line from the Yeats poem "I have placed my dreams at your feet. Tread softly, you tread on my dreams." Yang had placed her dreams at my feet.
As yin I could open myself to something OTHER with all the surprise and wonder that might bring. "Whoa. I'd never thought of THAT!"
I loved the dramatization that Margot's practice encouraged. To bow toward my partner and say "It honors me to serve you my Yang" was not style of rhetoric in my ordinary interactions. It was exaggerated, more colorful and provided a ritualized form to grow into.
From my Gestalt studies I had learned a lot about human polarities and how often we tend to see one side of a polarity as the good side and the other as the bad side. In the Gestalt work I had learned to appreciate the importance of exploring my polarities and finding through EXPERIENCE who I was, or what I was. I was generous. I was stingy. I was smart. I was stupid. Margot's Yin Yang practice helped me see I am master AND I am servant.
Obsessions are born and maintained when desires are channelled in a very narrow direction. The ground of possibilities is severely restricted. What can arouse. What can satisfy. What scenarios are interesting. What scenarios have no interest.
"I like meat and potatoes. That's the kind of guy I am."
"I need a really gentle touch."
"You know I'm kind of quiet."
These preferences if held onto tightly can really restrict the range of what is possible for an individual and also for what is possible in a couple.
Aren't these expressions of preference based on somewhat limited visions of one's personality or potential? These expressions of preference are based on a concept of who the person is.....but expressed often enough they contribute to the build-up of a fixed self-concept.
There's a story set in a frontier town in the Old West..... a guy is losing at the roulette wheel again and again and again on every spin of the wheel. Someone pulls him aside and whispers in his ear "Pssst. The wheel is fixed. You'll never win." He replies "I know" and keeps playing. The man who told him is puzzled: "If you know it's fixed and you'll never win, then why do you keep on playing?" The guy who's playing replies "It's the only game in town."
Tantra and the yin and yang practice make sure there's more than one game in town to play.
Depth psychology, particularly the work of Carl Jung, has helped us discover that along with the representation of who a person is....the persona......is a hidden shadow side that is very different, the exact opposite of what is seen on the surface. Someone whose external personality shows "direct, active and rational" has shadows of "indirect, passive and irrational"
The Yin and Yang practice helps us access those hidden underground shadow sides and integrate them into our concepts of ourselves.
People sometimes go outside their marriages to seek passion, excitement or novelty, all of which can be cultivated WITHIN the marriage.
The Yin Yang practice liberated me and my partner from what might be called an un-energized middle. What movie do my wife and I see? It might be one that isn't so violent that she vetoes it and one that's not too literary that I veto it. What restaurant do we choose tonight? It might be one that neither of us objects to. This is like a Yiddish expression "nisht a here, nisht a hare" , neither this nor that. I don't get to lean into my preferences. I don't have to define or declare my preferences, nor does my wife. With the Yin Yang practice we are encouraged to lean into our own individual dreams or fantasies and live them. The yin gets to let go of his or her preference and supports the Yang's experience of a wish fulfillment. Each partner becomes more vivid and better defined, but not in a rigid way.
At a recent workshop Margot added another twist and a half to my experience of the Yin Yang practice. Members of the workshop were instructed to pair up as Yin and Yang and spend the afternoon alternating those roles. There was a further instruction given, just before lunchtime: "To get more in the mood of Yin and Yang, at lunchtime exchange personalities! BE the other person."
So my wife and I who have been married 25 years went to lunch. Philip became Judy and Judy became Philip.
I don't know exactly what it was like for Judy to be Philip, but I can say what it was like to become Judy and to see the Philip that Judy embodied.
The Philip she acted out was so noisy! That Philip clattered the plates and bumped the table. That Philip was listening to music through headphones and seemed preoccupied. From time to time that Philip would interrupt me Judy with some intrusive demand.
I was seeing myself as Judy sees me. Maybe it was exaggerated because of the exercise, but I couldn't totally dismiss the mirror she held up to me, so I had to accept there being some truth in the way she portrayed me. That was some powerful learning.
I found that in some ways I liked having a vacation from being Philip.
When I tried to move like Judy does, talk like Judy talks, pay attention like Judy pays attention.....I found there was something in it for me. Judy is a very gracious, graceful, melodious person. I had permission to embody these qualities. Even more than permission, it was my duty or job to embody these qualities if I were embodying Judy. I liked being gracious. I liked being graceful. I liked being patient.
I hope that Judy found something comparable in her experience of embodying me. Being Philip she no longer had to wait for others to finish speaking. She no longer had to be gracious and defer. She could lean into her own impulses.
The yin and yang game or practice is not something you do once and then it's finished....complete. These practices can be done again and again and with the continuation new subtleties and discoveries emerge.
These comments on Yin and Yang are certainly not comprehensive. I hope they convey the appeal of the Yin Yang game and its subversive effect on frozen concepts of self and partner.
3-06-01
PHILIP B. ROSENTHAL
Understanding more about Yin and Yang has been one of the most valuable gifts that I have received in studying tantra with Margot Anand.
Margot created a practice and wrote about it in her book The Art of Sexual Ecstasy called the Yin Yang game. When a couple does the Yin Yang game they take turns being Yin and being Yang. When one partner is Yin the other is Yang and vice versa.
Yang is the master. The king or the queen. Yang states desires. "I want my back rubbed. I want grapes to be fed to me. Dance for me." Yang says whether it's right or not. "Not as hard. Harder. Faster. Slower." Yang knows when it's done. "I want more. That's enough."
Yin is the servant. Yin's job is to fulfill the wishes of Yang. Yin says "I am honored to serve you, Yang." Yin puts aside his or her own agenda and finds satisfaction in fulfilling Yang's agenda. Yin watches Yang and listens carefully to Yang. Yin asks, "Is this what you wanted? Is this it?"
Margot describes the practice clearly and persuasively in her book, and I and my partner have had the chance to do the practice in her training program under her guidance. The learning that came out of the Yin Yang practice has been surprising.
I had thought that Yang would be the good turn and that I'd go through Yin waiting for my next Yang turn. That's not how it turned out.
I found out there was much learning to be gained in BOTH of the roles.
I found out that the role of Yang had more vulnerabilities than I'd thought. Almighty Yang....gets to ask for whatever he wants....."how great is that!!!" was my anticipation. Not so simple in actual experience.
If you get to ask for what you want then you need to KNOW what you want. Wants are many and change constantly. What we're talking about here is knowing what you want on a current basis.....what I want now....it's not so good to bring a want that isn't current or energized.
I might have cooked up some fantasies of what I want in the hothouse of my imagination....when I didn't have the opportunity or challenge of actually trying to make that fantasy real....or enlisting my partners help in making it real.
Bringing fantasies to my partner, uttering these desires through my throat, my vocal cords, my lips is a different matter. And then having to see, hear and face the reactions of my partner to my requests.....And then having to guide my partner.....to tell her whether the touch was too soft or too hard....can I share with her my NOT being reached? ..... Or it may be just as hard to share with her how deeply I AM reached.
And what if I get to be Yang again and again? Will I be able to keep coming up with desires, scenarios, requests? Will I be a well that keeps flowing or a well that starts to run dry?
Hmmm, there's more to this job of being Yang than I'd thought.
My surprise at the subtleties of the Yang job was great, but probably not as great as my surprise at the subtleties of the Yin job.
Being Yin the servant turned out to be a more demanding, more fulfilling, more powerful, more rewarding role than I'd anticipated.
I felt a liberation in the Yin role from my own ego, from my own agenda, what I was trying to get, where I was trying to get to. A vacation from some of the strivings, from being in command.
I felt a tremendous sense of power and responsibility as Yin. I was reminded of the line from the Yeats poem "I have placed my dreams at your feet. Tread softly, you tread on my dreams." Yang had placed her dreams at my feet.
As yin I could open myself to something OTHER with all the surprise and wonder that might bring. "Whoa. I'd never thought of THAT!"
I loved the dramatization that Margot's practice encouraged. To bow toward my partner and say "It honors me to serve you my Yang" was not style of rhetoric in my ordinary interactions. It was exaggerated, more colorful and provided a ritualized form to grow into.
From my Gestalt studies I had learned a lot about human polarities and how often we tend to see one side of a polarity as the good side and the other as the bad side. In the Gestalt work I had learned to appreciate the importance of exploring my polarities and finding through EXPERIENCE who I was, or what I was. I was generous. I was stingy. I was smart. I was stupid. Margot's Yin Yang practice helped me see I am master AND I am servant.
Obsessions are born and maintained when desires are channelled in a very narrow direction. The ground of possibilities is severely restricted. What can arouse. What can satisfy. What scenarios are interesting. What scenarios have no interest.
"I like meat and potatoes. That's the kind of guy I am."
"I need a really gentle touch."
"You know I'm kind of quiet."
These preferences if held onto tightly can really restrict the range of what is possible for an individual and also for what is possible in a couple.
Aren't these expressions of preference based on somewhat limited visions of one's personality or potential? These expressions of preference are based on a concept of who the person is.....but expressed often enough they contribute to the build-up of a fixed self-concept.
There's a story set in a frontier town in the Old West..... a guy is losing at the roulette wheel again and again and again on every spin of the wheel. Someone pulls him aside and whispers in his ear "Pssst. The wheel is fixed. You'll never win." He replies "I know" and keeps playing. The man who told him is puzzled: "If you know it's fixed and you'll never win, then why do you keep on playing?" The guy who's playing replies "It's the only game in town."
Tantra and the yin and yang practice make sure there's more than one game in town to play.
Depth psychology, particularly the work of Carl Jung, has helped us discover that along with the representation of who a person is....the persona......is a hidden shadow side that is very different, the exact opposite of what is seen on the surface. Someone whose external personality shows "direct, active and rational" has shadows of "indirect, passive and irrational"
The Yin and Yang practice helps us access those hidden underground shadow sides and integrate them into our concepts of ourselves.
People sometimes go outside their marriages to seek passion, excitement or novelty, all of which can be cultivated WITHIN the marriage.
The Yin Yang practice liberated me and my partner from what might be called an un-energized middle. What movie do my wife and I see? It might be one that isn't so violent that she vetoes it and one that's not too literary that I veto it. What restaurant do we choose tonight? It might be one that neither of us objects to. This is like a Yiddish expression "nisht a here, nisht a hare" , neither this nor that. I don't get to lean into my preferences. I don't have to define or declare my preferences, nor does my wife. With the Yin Yang practice we are encouraged to lean into our own individual dreams or fantasies and live them. The yin gets to let go of his or her preference and supports the Yang's experience of a wish fulfillment. Each partner becomes more vivid and better defined, but not in a rigid way.
At a recent workshop Margot added another twist and a half to my experience of the Yin Yang practice. Members of the workshop were instructed to pair up as Yin and Yang and spend the afternoon alternating those roles. There was a further instruction given, just before lunchtime: "To get more in the mood of Yin and Yang, at lunchtime exchange personalities! BE the other person."
So my wife and I who have been married 25 years went to lunch. Philip became Judy and Judy became Philip.
I don't know exactly what it was like for Judy to be Philip, but I can say what it was like to become Judy and to see the Philip that Judy embodied.
The Philip she acted out was so noisy! That Philip clattered the plates and bumped the table. That Philip was listening to music through headphones and seemed preoccupied. From time to time that Philip would interrupt me Judy with some intrusive demand.
I was seeing myself as Judy sees me. Maybe it was exaggerated because of the exercise, but I couldn't totally dismiss the mirror she held up to me, so I had to accept there being some truth in the way she portrayed me. That was some powerful learning.
I found that in some ways I liked having a vacation from being Philip.
When I tried to move like Judy does, talk like Judy talks, pay attention like Judy pays attention.....I found there was something in it for me. Judy is a very gracious, graceful, melodious person. I had permission to embody these qualities. Even more than permission, it was my duty or job to embody these qualities if I were embodying Judy. I liked being gracious. I liked being graceful. I liked being patient.
I hope that Judy found something comparable in her experience of embodying me. Being Philip she no longer had to wait for others to finish speaking. She no longer had to be gracious and defer. She could lean into her own impulses.
The yin and yang game or practice is not something you do once and then it's finished....complete. These practices can be done again and again and with the continuation new subtleties and discoveries emerge.
These comments on Yin and Yang are certainly not comprehensive. I hope they convey the appeal of the Yin Yang game and its subversive effect on frozen concepts of self and partner.
3-06-01